New Pilgrim ChroniclesClick banner to order, click here
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New Pilgrim ChroniclesClick banner to order, click here
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(former) Workers of the World Unite!
Big Johnson continues whiffing in Waterford
by John Worster

Posted by the Coffee Coaster with permission of the author

Note: John is the Freedom Rider's favorite bartender in another life, and I've already featured his demented rants in Realistic Pizza. He lost his Waterford, Michigan, pizza business a few months ago, and tries to get by as best he can; I'm treating him as the undiscovered humorist genius of our era (plus referring to him as Big Johnson as opposed to Little John) because he needs to be cheered up as much as possible... not to mention that judging from my spam email I'll probably draw a record number of visitors to this page. lol.[1]

Subject: Where's the stimulus plan for moi?

Dear Pony Boy and Whoever Cares:

Hey PB. I will try to look up Cracking the Code once I finish with the SNaP. My father has been in and out of the hospital the last six months and went back in today so I am trying to keep up on my reading but haven't done well. It is a part of life but shoulder that with going from known business owner/community friend and helper to jobless bum tends to put a little saran wrap on the creative side.

I read your WWJD article and the timing is funny. As you know, I lost my business the first week of December. You know the troubles I went through when asking for help, especially with my taxes. They were reflected in the guest-column pizza article you posted.

It is now April and I received a letter from one of my favorite WWE early 90's wrestler, Irwin R. Shyster. (That was his name and they called him I.R.S. He was a bad guy (duh!) and  he wrestled in a suit and tie and when losing would grab his briefcase of forms and hit the other wrestler with it. Priceless. Even more ironic was his former character that came out as a fan favorite in the American flag).

Sorry about that sidebar rant. The real IRS letter to me said they refigured my taxes and the business owes them another $1279.00 from last year. How convenient for me. I already made that phone call and know what the response will be. What fun to go deeper into hock. Doesn't seem right on any level. It's like taking the gold fillings out of the body in the morgue. If a bummed-out former pizza owner screams for help in the forest?...

I found a way to get around taxes though: have no fucking job to tax from. Sigh. I do know the IRS is not to be messed with though. I listen to Howard Stern and another deejay from his station at the time named Crazy Cabbie bragged on the show how he didn't bother to pay taxes. A couple months later he was in front of the judge who ordered him to pay taxes and also gave him a year in the hole. Scary stuff. Tell your friend to be careful what you wish for...

I also wanted to share something funny with you. Not funny ha-ha... funny Uh-oh. I was never able to afford corporate insurance for my store and my employees, which sucked. I did however, have insurance for myself which I paid out of store. I never used it since I have always been pretty healthy. The price started at $199 and got to about $480 a month so I dropped that company and went to Blue Cross for a new low rate at $235 a month.

I did get a cold I couldn't shake and went to the doctor. I had a 20-dollar copay and found no prescriptions were covered. (guess I should have asked questions instead of replaying episodes of the Simpsons in my head after the first half hour of listening to what I was covered for).

When I was young and Dad had cancer, all his meds were covered by Blue Cross and I naively assumed this was the way of the world. For a smart guy I am pretty dumb.

When I lost my business I wasn't sure how I could pay this monthly bill. A girl at the gym said her husband lost his job and with the Obama stimulus package he only had to pay $260 on a normally $1650 monthly bill. I was elated, my bill was small in comparison and maybe they would send me money!!!!!

I called and found out since mine was individual and not work insurance through Cobra (trust me, I am lost at this point) that I was not eligible for a stimulus break but was told my rate would be going up to $279 next bill. So to sum up... I couldn't afford work insurance, but bought insurance on my own, but since I bought the insurance I could barely afford instead of the insurance I couldn't afford, I now lose my insurance, but if I had insurance I couldn't afford I would now be able to afford it!!!! My left eye just popped out of my skull. Fuck... and me without insurance.

I guess we just have to deal with the fact that I just ramble and can't stop. Feel free to eject and delete the e-mail if it ever gets too tedious. Always good to hear from you. I am 40 and still am so juvenile that lately when asked for my name, I always print... wait for it... Hugh G. Rextion. May god have mercy on my soul.

[1] laugh out loud

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