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Smokers Get No Sympathy from Moi
Michigan smoking ban in bars/restaurants stirs strong feelings from a former bartender
by John Worster

Most readers know the proprietor of the Coffee Coaster is a dedicated radical libertarian down to making the evil statists pry our cancer sticks from our cold dead fingers. I've walked the walk in the Free State, to fight the smoking ban. And I've opined in my VIP letters accordingly:

"Every day a new law is enacted or bill proposed that seriously violates liberty: in Michigan the mindless matriarchal statists--with majorities among the Republicans--passed a "no texting while driving" bill. Of course, distracted driving is already illegal and punishable, but the statists wish to leave no pretense unturned for having police stop, intrude upon, and detain humans going about their lives. Our Libertarian Party of Michigan chair, Emily Salvette, produced this column for the Detroit Free Press.

"The anti-smoking statists had their day in the sun, finally, too, as on May 1, Michigan joins the long list of states violating the property rights of restaurants and bars that wish to allow smoking. Question: What's next? Personally, I think "obesity cops' empowered to monitor your home and arrest you for too many trips to the icebox make sense."

Now along comes my good friend, John, a former mixologist back in the days when I was one of his main clients—and, in those foggy days of the late 20th century, a smoker, by golly. My sense is JW buys the main libertarian argument that everyone has the inalienable right to sit, with the owner's consent, in a hole-in-the-wall bar and get polluted. But as a practical matter, he seems content with the clean air in establishments he would previously have avoided... and has a few choice words for "the smoker" archetype. I always like the JW rant:

Hey Brian,

I saw the bit about the state violating the rights of restaurants. I couldn't agree more. It is un-American to let someone open their own business in this capitalistic society and then take Achilles shots at them. I was at a TGIFs in Ohio that had the best idea: The bar area was 'smoking' but was encased like a separate room and the smoke was pumped out of the room to the outside. The ventilation was so good that when even the door was opened the non-smoking area didn't get filled with smoke. I am surprised no one ever tried that or gave it a chance as an alternative to no smoking.

That being said—this is going to be harsh and hurtful to many, so be ready. I will drop one F-bomb for effect then replace them with the word "freaking," edit as you may. I would vote to ban smoking on any ballot no matter what the law said... a reprimand, cool... a hefty fine, awesome... a taser shot, wonderful... death penalty, glorious. How fucking stupid in this day and age do you have to be to rifle back heaters like they were protein drinks.

Smokers are by far the rudest most obnoxious group ever established. If they were priests they would be pedophiles. If they were quarterbacks they would be Ben Roethlisberger. If they were the French they would be... well... the French. I used to date a girl that worked for the OCDC (drain commission). What do you think they find clogging up most drains? Cigarette butts. Ask any smoker and they will lie to your face on how they never throw there butts on the ground. Freaking liars, and I know the exception that proves this rule so don't try to defend yourselves. How many times a day do we drive down the road and see people throwing butts out the window. If you get M-59 at the right time of night it looks like a fireworks show with all the glowing embers being thrown out of the windows of cars, and save your "I smoke filterless crap" I don't buy it.

I giggle my ass off when I see all the smokers huddled outside of an office building in 10-below weather feeding their habit. I usually pull up close to laugh at them as they drag their cancer sticks up to the rotting piece of beef jerky they used to call a face, weathered through years of smoke abuse. This is how dumb you people are... I was watching a 3 stooges episode recently (Don't bother pointing out the irony of me calling you dumb followed by my viewing choice... this isn't about me): Curly couldn't get a hookah pipe to work and pulled out his pack of smokes for a cigarette. He then said, "back to the coffin nails."

This was 19 freaking 39 and they knew how bad they were for you by the euphemism and we still have barely learned a thing! I will cut Curly a break because he used to chase mice so I know he is a tad challenged but what is the excuse for the rest of you? I think all smokers should have to wear that short bus helmet out in public because there is already a 99.9% chance that my tax dollars will be going to their cancer or emphysema care but I don't want to have to pay for them blindly walking into walls or walking out into traffic, as well.

Don't believe me? Check out the last few years of heavy-smoker Dick York (the first Darren on Bewitched). Wasting away in Michigan with an oxygen tank strapped to his emphysema-riddled body. Sad beyond sad.

I also want to chime in on chewing-tobacco users. They make cigarette smokers look like the MENSA chess club. I was at the Shark Club a few months back. It is not an upscale bar, but it isn't a hole in the wall either. A bottled domestic will run you four bucks if that helps set the ambiance. A dude goes up to the bar and asks for a "spitter." I wasn't sure what that was but I saw the bartender twist a few cocktail napkins into a Styrofoam cup and hand it to him. The dude then immediately walked away with it while spitting his tobacco juice into it.

What kind of freaking redneck moron thinks this is an acceptable etiquette? Sitting next to real humans while drooling tobacco juice into a cup. The way I see it, this has to be someone who is afraid of having children and wants to ensure that he stands zero chance of getting laid in this lifetime. Yes I said redneck. If you have chewing tobacco in your mouth you are a backwoods inbred most likely racist amoeba.

Kodiak tobacco used to be spelled with three K's but they thought that was just too obvious. When I managed at Mr. B's I was helping clean up at 2AM just so we could get out of there and get some sleep. I was dumping the bottled beers half finished into the slop bucket when one would not empty when turned upside down. I shook it and a big wad of chewing tobacco came out and splashed in the slop bucket spraying my legs with bits of tobacco and spit. To this day it is still one of the grossest things I have ever dealt with. I will honor an establishment's right to let you chew tobacco if you realize it is my right to walk up and punch you in your useless, brainless head.

In conclusion (how professor-like), the economy is down so I have a way to open up jobs. If you smoke, half fill your bathtub with water and slit your wrists. I would suggest a gunshot to the head but I won't no part of cleaning up that mess. You are going to die soon enough so lets just get rid of the middle man and get this country up and running again. USA USA USA. If any reads this and disagrees with me I have a prepared statement...ahem...ahem...FUCK YOU....any questions can be directed to the nearest wall.

In conclusion (how professor like), the economy is down so I have a way to open up jobs. If you smoke, half-fill your bathtub with water and slit your wrists. I would suggest a gunshot to the head but I want no part of cleaning up that mess. You are going to die soon enough so let's just get rid of the middle man and get this country up and running again. USA USA USA! If any reads this and disagrees with me I have a prepared statement... ahem... ahem... FUCK YOU... any questions can be directed to the nearest wall.

Thanks for listening Brian and letting me rant. Like I said... edit as you may... I know it is an R-rated piece. I look forward to our next beer chat. That porter brew at the bar was outstanding.

Stay gold pony boy,


And that's that. Feel free to comment on my Coffee Coaster blog ... or complain about such mindless profanity keeping the Coffee Coaster from overtaking the Huffington Post in site visits. From my own perspective, "I think you're being a little hard on the Beav, Ward." For a bit of counterpoint, check out my own aforementioned column regarding the smoking ban in the Free State. Also a good column by a local comrade in words, Tim O'Brien, at Small Government Alliance.


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