New Pilgrim ChroniclesClick banner to order, click here
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New Pilgrim ChroniclesClick banner to order, click here
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In Quest of Funk Relief
On gun control and population control
by John Worster

A novel solution from the Waterford Wild Man. John surfaces from time to time to say howdy, like me finding the occasional freelance work in the tanked economy. (Both of us are ideal candidates for Alternative Econ 101!) When the republic is restored and the two of us receive our wealth-recovery checks from the Banking Cartel, I think I'll throw in with John on a brew pub. — Ed.

Another reason I'll never be on Oprah...

Hey Brian,

I haven't talked to you in a little while. I am still trying to work out of this funk. I just thought I should point a few things out.

I have noticed with the earthquake in Haiti that some opinions differ greatly. I know some think we should drop everything and go help while others think there are enough people in need here that should be taken care of first. It is obvious to me that we should go help.

There is a difference in someone like me who is jobless and near desperation while bordering on crazy and someone who has a building stuck on them. My situation looks like I am Donald Trump compared to them. You help your fellow man in dire need before you help yourself with a lesser need. If everyone opened their TV-scarred republican minds they would see that.

The thing bugging me the most about the helping Haiti situation is the f#$%ing phone companies. Every show on TV and even on the radio has a number to text to send money for relief. It also says in fine print about other charges. I guarantee that for every 5 bucks sent via text that the phone company manages to charge an extra quarter. It is the perfect scam, even better than the casinos. They prey on our soulless, lazy society. People on the couch see they can text money and are overjoyed because they feel they are helping while doing the bare minimum. Any small fee added would seem insignificant. Everyone wins.

The gelatinous sycophants (thanks Chris) feel they helped while the phone company acts like they are being noble while bringing in most likely millions in cash even at a quarter a pop. (Who doesn't have a cell phone today?) I wouldn't doubt if the phone company was behind this highly opportunistic disaster. It makes me realize what a joke we have become. With all of this technology at our disposal there has to be a better way to help without it resulting in a profit-first scenario. I wish I had the answer but I don't.

In this segment we will look at my ever darkening thoughts. To preface, I am not in favor of any gun control. I don't own one because I don't think I am mature enough to have one. I feel you should be able to buy any weapon you want, but expect background checks. I also think the NRA should be mature enough to police itself. Make sure all members own their guns legally and narc on those not using their weapon properly.

Haven't we evolved enough to be able to use an "honor system" anywhere?!

OK, back on track: I saw another story in the paper about a child getting a hold of a parents unlocked gun with tragic results. It made me think how anyone could be so irresponsible.....but then the light bulb went off. People have sex everyday without condoms producing unwanted children. Turn on Maury Povich and he has a paternity test show four days a week and it’s still going strong. The economy is in the crapper and we have guys who thought they were having a one night stand only to be shacked up with a "Baby Mama" and losing half their paycheck to child support. Not too many options. Baby Mama won't give her meal ticket up for adoption, so they are stuck... unless (cue scary music).....

There probably isn't a bond between father and child, he didn't want it anyway and all they do is scream and whine. (You all know this, there are three near-two-year-old children from my two sisters in the family and although I love them dearly they don't have much else to do but scream, whine, poop, and demand to be picked up. We were all there once.)

He can't just throw the child out on the street. What can he do? It all falls together. Pull out your gun. Wave it around in the presence of the child and get its attention. Then put it under the bed in full view of the child with the safety off. Go watch TV in the other room and most likely the child finds the gun and tragedy ensues. Now he has no child to worry about and most likely gets away with it.

He only has to put up with a few days of media coverage demanding his head for being so stupid. He can show up on TV crying and act hurt and distraught. Eventually the hype dies down and he faces no jail time and if he played it right he actually makes money from people flooding him with donations for the funeral. It is almost flawless. Think about that next time you see one of these stories especially when you hear the gun was under the bed. Even the most irresponsible person knows to put it on a high shelf in a closet away from children if it isn't locked up.

I think that is all I can say for now because my last story makes so much sense that my stomach now doesn't feel that good. Thank god for beer, or as we say in my house "pain go bye-bye juice." Talk to you soon Brian. Time for us to work on a beer meet up again. I can muster enough energy to wear sunglasses and avoid human contact until I get to the bar.


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